Square peg, round hole. That’s from the film, The Holiday. And it seems to really fit me or at least, how I felt tonight.
The grace of social function continues to elude me.
There was an informal gathering tonight with people on my team. My lead told me she was surprised; she didn’t think I’d actually show up. I’d always had something preventing me from it prior to this. But tonight I took a chance.
I’m glad I did but it was still awkward asf. I’m actually glad I had the minion with me, since it gave me a point of focus. But even so, I tried to stay off the helicopter for a couple of hours. Mostly for her sake. I can’t hover for her whole life. Hovering helps me more than it does her. Must remember that.
But not knowing everyone, or even half made it extremely mentally taxing for me. There were probably 25 there or so, and I swear, if I’d known that prior, I probably would have been too intimidated to follow through and drive out there.
I had flashbacks of high school, where I’d go to parties but kind of wander aimlessly for a bit, and dilute that with claiming one spot as mine for a good portion of the night.
I couldn’t really engage with anyone, not more than a cursory observance of conversations around me. It was hard to know when I could join and contribute to any conversation, or even if my insertion would be welcomed. The two times I tried, I felt kind of ignored, so I didn’t try after that.
There were so many small groups talking about things I couldn’t really relate to. I focused instead on the kids, and holding space outside. I tried to just smile and pretend I was comfortable.
It was an attempt at leaving the turtleshell, and while I’m glad made it, I felt so out of place. Like I just didn’t fit.