This was posted in a parent group, and I felt compelled to respond.
First, you are NOT a failure as a parent. The only failures are the ones you give up on. And you aren’t there yet.
Second, I’m so sorry to hear she’s struggling with so much.
Hitting puberty was an extremely tumultuous time for me with my mom as well. I remember the frustration and pain, and anger at both her and myself for being unable to really make her understand what was going on inside my head when I couldn’t even figure it out myself.
Has she been diagnosed with Autism by a private professional yet? I’m not sure about your state, but in most, if you put in a written request, the school is legally required to comply with an IEP evaluation.
It sucks big purple hairy jackfruit sized balls to have to fight so hard just to get a school to take you seriously as a parent even under normal circumstances, let alone when your kid is wired differently.
If you cannot get help from the school, I’d take it directly to the central office, or the equivalent for the county School board in your area.
There ARE options available.
Last, and I tell most people this. BREATHE. This is one of the only parent groups I will engage with because ALL of us have been where you are at some point, sometimes multiple times.
Have your cry, and then write your daughter a letter. Pour your heart out and tell her all the wonderful things about her that let her know that she is your heart living right outside of your own body. Avoid qualifiers like “well when you’re doing ___ or when you’re not ___” but make it 💯 positive. The negatives can be worked on after.
I can’t tell you how many letters I wrote to my mom as a teenager because we couldn’t speak to each other face to face. I am hyperemotional, and she’s uncomfortable with that.
I wish I’d gotten that from my mom. I WAS your daughter, and I did give up. I felt like nothing I ever did was good enough or right so I quit trying entirely. Nothing was known about Autism in girls at the time. Today there are MANY resources from #ActuallyAutistic women both young and older who work now to educate and advocate for girls just like yours.