Try try again

Today has been emotional, and emotionally draining. Physically as well, but mostly emotional.

I have been searching for employment for over a year now, interview after interview with nothing bearing fruit. Until last week when I was offered a position as a patient care assistant in a senior assisted living facility. The pay isn’t great, the hours are long, but when you’re broke you take what you can get.

I lasted a whole 2.5 days. I knew it would be difficult, and hard work, but I physically cannot do it. There are patients who are over 300 lbs, and they expect two women to be able to lift, turn, bathe, etc.

I can’t. I’m not strong enough. I hate admitting it. I was in tears after work yesterday, 13 hours of one shift. I couldn’t last even half today before I broke down. The other employees got impatient with me, telling me to move it but I couldn’t make my legs work any faster. They’re impatient with the residents as well. I can’t stand that business. These people are our elders. They deserve respect and as much care as possible. Not getting impatient and abrupt or rude to them.

So now I’m back to the job board.

It made me feel good though, two residents were already asking for me. Because I care, I’m slow and patient with them. I don’t make them feel bad for being slow or needing help.

I hated leaving because of that.

But I’m in so much pain, I can’t move right now. My legs are so swollen below the calf. I’m disappointed and morose and I feel like a failure.

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